Monday, March 20, 2017

Wait....you're gonna put that needle WHERE???



You guys....I can't make this stuff up.  

Let me go back 3 months ago.  

3 months ago on Christmas Eve I was walking into work.  My toe was killing me.  Like throbbing and super crabby at me.  Not sure what was happening with it, I naturally consulted my friend who is a nurse.  Boom.  Issue solved.  I taped my toes together and called myself healed.  

My toe did start to feel better for a little bit.  Then on January 1st I had the fall of 2017 (if you want to keep updated with my health history you can read about the Epic fall HERE ) and basically the toe issue went to the back burner as I nursed my very bruised behind and ego.  (FYI...I still have a dent in my butt)  Anyways, after 2 months of strategic sitting off to one side of my bottom, I am almost healed from that.  

Naturally, my toe would now become front and center in my medical needs.  My toe has been bothering me on and off since Christmas.  It would flare up, get super red, swollen, turn purple, you name it....it happened.  It's funny because I have self diagnosed myself with everything possible.  Broken toe.  Sprained toe.  Wart.  Corn.  Fungus.  

Then it happened.  I finally made myself and appointment.  Last week I could hardly walk on my foot.  I am having to wear adidas sandals (which don't compliment any outfit) every single day.  I was talking to my dear friend Susie last week who is a nurse and she recommended a doctor for me to see.  I called and tried to get an appointment and that doctor was booked so they suggested I see someone else.  Ok.  No problem.  At this point I was ready to cut the dumb toe off.  

I almost cancelled the appointment multiple times.  I hate going to the doctor.  Then this past weekend it flared up again and I decided to keep my Monday morning 7:30 a.m. appointment.  


I barely made it on time.  Walked in right at 7:30.  Sat down and was ready to be diagnosed with a toe fungus.  Boom.  And done. 

They take me back and weigh me....never a good start to any appointment.  I proceed to my room and sit on the crunchy paper.  I instantly started sweating.  For some reason when I made my appointment I thought I was seeing a female doctor.  It never crossed my mind that I was seeing a man doctor until about 10 seconds before he walked in.  In walks my new foot doctor who is, uh, how do I say this....um...shockingly good looking for a foot doctor.  Yes, I am a happily married woman to a hunk of a man....that doesn't mean I wasn't still shocked that this Dr. McDreamy was now going to be looking at the world's ugliest and most stumpy toes ever.  

He didn't know what kind of crazy he walked in to.  Dr. McDreamy comes in...in his gingham button down shirt complimented by a reddish sweater and starts looking at my stumps....or hooves as my brothers call them.  He pokes and prods and tells me I don't have a wart or a corn or fungus.  Um....say what?

McDreamy then asks me what I think is wrong with it...cause I am clearly a google doctor.  Here comes the real crazy.  So last night I had a dream that I had a parasite.  Some sort of worm or something growing in my body.  I can still see it.  It was brown and black and about an inch long.  In my dream I tried to kill it multiple times by stepping on it and it wouldn't die.  So I tell McDreamy this.  I tell him I think I have a parasite.  I am not sure if he thought I was joking.   If it's not a wart or a corn or a fungus then it clearly is a parasite, right?  Naturally.  


He assured me it wasn't a parasite (that he could see...I still am questioning that).  Basically we don't know what it going on (so it could still be a parasite then, right?)  Then it happened.  McDreamy tells me he is gonna numb my toe so I can get an X-ray and a biopsy.  Um, what was that now?  You're gonna do what to what with what to where?  He leaves the room and comes back with a needle that was at least 2 feet long.  No joke.  Clearly he doesn't know my crazy quite yet because he lets me SEE the 2 foot needle you guys.  There I sat.  All alone with Dr. McDreamy and a 2 foot needle.  I think at one point I even asked him to hold my hand.  He didn't.  He didn't pre-numb my toe or anything.  He just took the 2 foot needle and shoved it in my foot.  Flat out shoved that sucker in my toe multiple time.  I can't cry in front of McDreamy....pull it together.  Then my toe ballooned up even more than it already was.  There may have been screaming and yelling.  I can't remember if I fainted or not.  Who shoves a 2 foot needle into the worlds smallest toe?  McDreamy does.  


He sent me down for x-rays.  They came back clear. 



Then I come back up and he does a biopsy.  I made him get his nurse Laurie to come in and hold my hand.  I am positive by now he can see my crazy.  

There are a number of things that could be wrong with my toe.  When I was focused and listening I heard skin cancer, frost bite, skin cancer or skin cancer.  

Why in the world did he stick a tag on my foot?  I thought for sure I had seen the light and was being rolled away to the morgue.  

My toe is wrapped.  I can't shower for 2 days.  I made him see me again on Friday to make sure my stitches weren't going to be infected.  I will get my biopsy results on next Monday.  That gives me plenty of time to google parasites and skin cancer and frost bite.  Lucky me and lucky Dr. McDreamy who gets to see me again this week!  

The end. :)