Wednesday, May 17, 2017

What could have been...

Last night could have gone one of two ways.  It could have ended real bad.

Here's my story.

First of all, I will be honest.  Like maybe too honest.  I am not handling Dan's new job very well.  I hate hate hate that he is gone and away from me and our family.  I am not transitioning well at all.  I am having to depend on people to drive my kids around.  I am having to ask for help.  My mom and friends are having to bring me meals.  I cry on a daily basis.  I am trying my best to hold it together...some days are better than others.  We are trying to figure it out.  We are relying on God to lead us.

Last week was rough on me.  I had a pretty big fight with God on my 3rd trip to Brookfield...in one day.  I thought I had cleared some things up with him.  Then on my way home I got a speeding ticket.  Then the next day, Sadie's glasses that she just got less than one week ago got broken at school.  I will admit I wasn't at my "best" last week.  This week had to be better....it just had to be.

Fast forward to yesterday.

I am in the process of decluttering our house.  We have way too much stuff and my brain just can't handle it anymore.  I decided to work on our dining room and craft room last week and am still in the middle of gathering rummage and organizing.  Last night I was cleaning my dining room and getting some things organized on a dresser I had just moved in there.  I decided that lighting a candle would give me some "mood" lighting and who doesn't like a good Bath and Body candle, right?!?!  I finished arranging the dresser and placed a  twine wrapped "W" near the candle.  I knew it probably wasn't the best idea, but it wasn't going to stay there....I was going to come back to it.

The night went on.  I made dinner for the kids.  I ran kids here and there.  I switched laundry around and put the kids to bed.  Normally at night after the younger kids go to bed I sometimes go for a run while the older ones stay up and do their homework.  Last night I did something that I have NEVER done.  I decided to stay home, sit on the front porch, and read a book.  Getting me to sit still is basically impossible.  I can't tell you the last time I finished reading a book.  I had started a book when we were in Alabama and I have been slowly reading it page by page while waiting for kids to get done with practices.  I was really close to finishing it and my mind needed to escape reality for a little bit.  I made my way to the porch and sat and read.  The week before I decided I would read a few pages each night in bed to take my mind off of Dan not being home....it helped my head rest.  I can tell you that the fact that I went outside to read was not anywhere near my "normal."

I read until it was dark and I couldn't see the pages anymore.  I kept checking my fitness watch and was feeling so bad that I didn't go for a run and meet my fitness goal.  I only had 2 chapters left when it got too dark out so I headed in and sat in a chair in my kitchen.  Again....I have NEVER sat there and read.  I normally would have made my way right upstairs to my bed.  I sat and read.  I finished the book and felt good about actually finishing it!

We have a button in our house that if you press it all the lights in the entire house shut off.  Normally, I would press that button after I get upstairs and into my room.  Last night, after finishing the book, I hit the button downstairs and made my way upstairs in the dark.  Again....so strange for me.

As I made my way to the stairs, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something flicker.  THE CANDLE.  I had forgotten to blow out the candle.  I made my way into the dark to see that the twine wrapped "W" had fallen on the candle and it had just started to burn.  The felt flowers that were on the "W" had already been burned off and the twine had just caught fire.  I picked it up, blew the fire out and watched the smoke instantly go everywhere.  I had to turn the fans on in the kitchen so the alarms wouldn't go off.

I sat there in disbelief.  Each and every moment of my night was way out of my "normal" routine.  It felt really weird but also really good.  I had to take a moment to realize what had happened.

I was able to slow down.  I wasn't so focused on what had to be done or what I should be doing, but I was taking time to just "be."  Every second last night I totally believe was orchestrated by God.  He protected me and my family from something that could have been much worse.

What if I would have left and gone for a run?

What if I would have read my book in the bed like every other night?

What if I would have turned the lights off when I got upstairs and missed the flickering candle?

It was just what I need from God as a reminder that He is in every moment in my life.  Even the days and hours when I feel like I can't press on another minute without Dan.  The days when I feel like I am a bad mom and I am drowning in work and life and laundry and chasing....God is in it with me and He cares more about me than I could ever imagine.  He is enough for me and is ready to help carry me when I don't feel like I can make it another step.  He loves me that much.

I won't be lighting anymore candles when Dan is gone, I can tell you that.

What could have been, wasn't.  I am resting in that tonight.

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