Friday, January 20, 2017

Day Four. Day FOUR! DAY FOUR!!!!

So, I am a little messed up in the head most days.  I don't have the best internal read on what I really look like.  In my head I want to look like this woman...all trendy and skinny with a slouchy hat on.  Some days I actually kinda feel like I might have "it" a little together.  Then it happens.....you see a picture of yourself that someone took.  Basically, I don't look anything like this woman AT ALL!!!! Then my mind plays tricks on me and I go to the other extreme.  It's a daily battle myself has with myself.  Please tell me I am not the only one that feels like this!!! Someone...please!!!!

Last year in January a team of us got together and joined weight watchers.  We called ourselves none other than "team sparkle" because who doesn't love a little sparkle in any name, right?  I think we all rocked at the WW.  We were dropping pounds weekly.  I would say for me, I stayed on track until Dan and I went on our 15th anniversary cruise in June.  Then is when I probably got off track a bit.  I mean...have you ever been on a cruise????  The food is AMAZING.  Like, endless amounts of food that I didn't have to prepare.  Then, they walk by and clean it all up for you too!!!  Free fresh baked cookies and freshly prepared crepes....basically the cruise ship is a walking restaurant.  When you get bored, you eat.  So eat we did.

Anyways, I kept on with the exercising but stopped tracking and got a little loose with what I was choosing to eat.  Then I started working full time in September and basically all sense of having any "me" time has gone.  I have joined and rejoined weight watchers probably 3 times last year and I could never get back on track like I was for the first half of the year.  (Hey, I am just being honest here!)  I mean, seriously, I would make it a day or two and do really awesome and then I would get off track and blow the whole day.  The good thing about weight watchers is that you can truly eat whatever you want.  You don't have to eliminate anything.

So, obviously I would start fresh on January 1st, right?  New year, New me.  Well, that lasted about 1 hour until I fell my way down the wooden staircase and gave myself the bruise of the decade. ( I still am battling a hematoma, but every day it is getting a little better! )  There went my "new me" in an instant in my head.

I know looks don't  matter...but in all honestly, they kinda do, right?  That is why each of us take showers and brush our hair and buy clothes....because we want to look nice.  I do believe that the beauty in someone's heart outshines what they look like any day....but at the end of the day, we all want to look presentable.  So this is a battle I fight in my head more often than I'd like to admit.

I don't hate me, but I don't love me.  I don't want to be a size 2, but I don't want to be a size 12.  I don't want to try and be trendy, but I don't want to not try.  I don't want to eat cookies, but I don't want to eat salads.  I don't want to exercise, but I don't want to have ugly legs.

So this past Monday, after praying about this for weeks years, I decided to stop focusing on it and doing something.  I had to admit to myself that I, Susan Wilke, and addicted to sugar.  Yup.  Yum.  I love me some sugar!!!  So, I stopped cold turkey.  I know that is why WW wasn't working for me anymore.  I was allowed to eat it, so I did.  I had to not allow myself to eat it so I wouldn't.

Now, don't get all "good job, Susan!" on me....I am only on day four.  I haven't had carbs or sugar for 4 days.  While that seems like such a small victory for some, it's a HUGE battle for me!  I really don't have a game plan.  I really don't know what plan I am following or not.  I just wanted to not be addicted to sugar so I am trying this.  I am crabby and happy at the same time.  I am hungry and full at the same time.  I want a piece of cheesecake but yet I don't want anything to do with one at the same time.  My mind is going in two different directions.  Have some carbs, Stay away from the carbs!!

So, why not blog about my internal craziness right for all to read, right?  I know there are pros and cons to everything.  I know why some sugar is good for you and that is why there are a billion weight loss plans.  I want to see how strong I can be.

January 16, 2017....I gave up sugar.  I don't know if I will make it a week.  I don't know if I will make it a month.  I am not making any promises.  I am going to take it one day at a time.  One hour at a time.  One cookie temptation at a time!  On April 16, we are heading to Alabama with the kids.  If I drop some cottage cheese from my thighs by then, I'll be pumped!   More so, I just want to be a little healthier.

Day Four, Susan Day Four.

Thanks for entering the internal battle of my head for the day!

4 comments:

  1. Oh yeah....we are all there. At the end of the day, my dear friend, you are loved for who you are. Not who you want to be. I find my greatest reflection in the Word. God loves us for who we are. That is your sugar girl! Enjoy.

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  2. Oh yeah....we are all there. At the end of the day, my dear friend, you are loved for who you are. Not who you want to be. I find my greatest reflection in the Word. God loves us for who we are. That is your sugar girl! Enjoy.

    ReplyDelete
  3. So proud of you! And yet, you sent me home with those delicious cake balls the other night. Thank goodness those are out of my house but let me just tell you how many I ate. They were amazing!

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