The past few weeks I have gotten caught up in living in the "what if's"
What if I would have tried harder....certainly I would be more successful
What if Dan would have taken that job in Texas.....certainly we would be better off
What if we would have gotten our degrees....certainly we would have better jobs
What if I would have accepted my Dad's new wife earlier....certainly he wouldn't have walked out on me
What if I would have been more open with my feelings....certainly my sister would still talk to me
What if Dan wouldn't have left working for his Dad....certainly our relationship with his family would be better
What if I would have pursued other jobs that have been offered to me.....certainly we would live someone warmer
What if Dan and I would have taken yearly vacations together....certainly our relationship would be rock solid
What if we didn't have so many children....certainly we wouldn't be buying 10 gallons of milk a week
What if I wouldn't eat so much....certainly I would be a size 6
What if I would have prayed more....certainly God would have answered with a "yes"
What if I would have prayed harder....certainly God would have made things happen differently
What if we didn't sell our home in Watertown....certainly we would have had more equity by now
What if I try a little bit harder....What if we had more money....What if I could handle it all.... What if my kids got along better....What if I got a different job....What if.
Enter in GRACE. (and there is my word of the year again)
I can't change what has happened in the past. I can only change how I handle things in the future.
I can't compare myself to what other people have or what other people do.
I can't try to change other people.
I can't do it all.
Enter in GRACE.
It took a good talk with a great friend last night to shake this off. It's ok to have boundaries. It's ok to not be liked by some for being awesome ;) It's ok to make yourself a priority. It's ok to say "no." It's ok to realize you cannot do it all.
It's ok to change.
You know I hate change. Change is hard for me. However, changing has changed me.
This is what I know. God has me right where He wants me. Now, believe me...I am questioning that every single day. Why, God? When, God? How, God?
And...it all comes down to trust. For someone that has trust issues to begin with...it is hard to fully trust that God does know what He is doing. Don't get me wrong...I KNOW He knows what He is doing....I just have to keep reminding myself of that. Before I question and doubt...I need to trust. Trust the process. Trust the trials. Trust the hardships. Trust the change.
After re-reading this...I sound like a hot mess. I guess I sorta am a hot mess....but I am God's hot mess and that is ok with me!