Thursday, August 18, 2016

I thought I was ready....I think I thought wrong.

14 years.  Fourteen years.  For FOURTEEN YEARS I  have been dreaming about this day.  Let's call it what it is (or what I thought it was going to be) FREEDOM.  Today is the year that all of my children will be in school full time.  I won't lie.  I have been dreaming about this day more than once.  Ahhhh, what will I do when they are all in school?  I can run errands by myself.  I can grocery shop alone.  I can go to Maurice's and try on clothes without having kids poke their heads under the changing room door.  I can go to lunch with friends.  I can eat at the cheesecake factory at least 2 times a week.  I can exercise whenever I want.  Oh, the possibilities are endless.  My house will be clean.  I will have home cooked meals waiting every night in the crock pot.  I will have my life together enough that we will have a sit down family dinner every night and do a devotion together as a family.  Our kids won't fight because they will not have seen each other all day and they will just want to hug and kiss each other all night long.  Dan will bring me home flowers every week because I am doing such a great job at being his wife and running the household.  I mean for reals....this is the stuff I thought was going to happen when all my kids would be in school full time.  I could watch the Price is Right and fold laundry.  The dog would be trained finally after 2 years of peeing and pooping all over my house.  I would craft the day away making gifts for teachers and friends.  All would be well with my soul.
 And then it happened..... Griffin's 4K teacher came last week for a teacher visit and BOOM....I am now a mess.  I want the past 14 years back.  I don't want them to go back to school, but I secretly do because they are driving me crazy and eating all our food, but then I love every minute I get to spend with them, except when they are fighting or tattling on each other....and on and on.
On Monday my life will look a whole lot different.  My youngest starts school.  Full time.  I want to be happy for him.  I want to be excited that I will have some "freedom." However, deep down inside I am gonna be a mess.  He gives me kisses all day long.  He begs me for food all day long.  He asks me to play cars with him or go to Piggly Wiggly to get coins.  He is ALWAYS by me.  On Monday, he won't be anymore.  

The week after he starts school, the other 6 will go back to school.  What am I going to do on Monday the 29th of August?  That day is the day I have been longing for, for 14 years.  That day has now turned into the biggest day I am dreading.  My house will be empty.  I am going to miss them all like crazy.   I'll be honest, it will take me a couple of weeks to miss the constant nagging for food and snacks...but I will grow to miss it too.  The thought has crossed my mind "Just pull them all and homeschool them."  Sadly they wouldn't get really much school that way as Mommy would be in a corner sucking her that really isn't an option for me.  

How do you let go of your life in one day?  Everything I have known for the past 14 years is going to be gone in one day.  A chapter is closing on me.  I know you other moms have done this ahead of me.  I know it is possible.  I know I will find a new normal.  

If you see an overweight mom crying uncontrollably on the floor of either of the two schools my kids will be at, it will be me.  If you see a mom holding on to the handles of the door while the teacher is trying to close the door, it will be me.  If you see a mom smothering her 4 year old with kisses on Monday and telling him to not grow will still be me.  If you see a mom walking aimlessly around Oconomowoc looking like she is lost with red eyes....that would be me.  

Bare with me as I try to start a new chapter of my life.  This "freedom" I thought I wanted I don't think I want anymore.  I just want to change diapers and complain about how messy the house is.  

Stop growing up already.  I just wanna be your mommy.  

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