Friday, December 4, 2015

Anticipation.



This is my husband, Dan.  Seriously the best looking man I have ever met.  Besides his dashing good looks and sometimes groomed face and head, he is also one of the best men I have ever met.  After all, he is married to me and all the "joy" that brings to his life.  He has a weird obsession with me.  Like, he actually likes me.  Every. Single. Thing.    I know, weird.  Maybe he is the crazy one in the family.  Ok, anyways.  Dan loves me for who I am.  Never once has put me down or said anything negative about me.  Encourages me.  Helps me.  Lifts me up.  Listens to me...A LOT.  Works harder than anyone I know.

Since I can remember, Dan has always been really good about complimenting me.  Saying nice and kind things to me.  Even when I haven't showered, have mascara running down my face, bags  under my eyes and maybe not smell very nice.  Until recently, I would disregard his comments.  Most of the time I would laugh or say, "Shut up." Or "I don't look good."  You see I am really really good at putting myself down.

I have been working on this.  Accepting his compliments when he gives them to me.  Mustering up the courage to say , "thank you" when he says I look nice.  At first I would think the negative comments about myself in my head and just not speak them out loud.  It's funny because now I am actually starting to believe him.  It is shockingly pretty hard to even type that.  Does he really think I look nice?  I don't think he is just saying it to say it.

So the other day I had put a new flannel shirt on and was really liking the way I looked.  For SURE Dan would say I looked good.  I had splurged and had my hair highlighted the day before so the grays were gone and the hair didn't look like a bird's nest.  Secretly I couldn't wait for him to see me so he would say something to me.  "that looks nice" Or "you look really good today, hot wife."  (He doesn't call me baby or honey...I am "hot wife")  Well, the day went on.  He had plenty of chances to look at me and never once said anything to me.  I kept waiting for it...surely he is gonna say something.  Nothing.

It really bothered me.  How could something that I totally dismissed a couple of months ago mean so much to me now?  Maybe I had dismissed him too much that he got defeated and decided I don't appreciate him complimenting so he was going to stop doing it.  It bugged me all day and all night.   I wasn't mad at him by any means.  It was such a weird feeling for me.  Was this the day he realized what he has gotten himself into and was trying to find a game plan to run for his life?  Did his eye sight get better and he saw just how big my nose is?

The entire day came and went without a compliment.  So the next day I said, " Hey, you know you never said I looked nice yesterday?"  I think he was pretty stunned by that.  From his wife that has never really wanted the kind words I was now telling him just how much I missed him saying something to me.  He apologized and said just because he didn't say anything to me didn't mean I didn't look good to him and I knew that.  The whole thing just really made me realize that sometimes the smallest of things can have the biggest impact on you.  The smallest compliment can boost a low self esteem.

I feel like a jerk for all of the times I dismissed his kind words.  I am glad that God is helping me see myself in a different light.  I still have a lot of work to do, but for now I truly do believe that Dan loves me for me.




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