Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Uncomfortable Conversations

No pictures for this blog.

No mushy gushy life is awesome kind of blog.

In fact, this week I have had two uncomfortable conversations.

If you know me at all...you all know I HATE confrontation.  I am a people pleaser.  I will let you walk all over me, use me and spit me out before I speak up for myself.  This is not something I am proud of.  I am working on being "bold."  In fact, I have been praying for boldness in my life.

Well, I took part in two conversations this past week that were not high on my bucket list...but I am SO glad I had them.

The first conversation was on my part.  It was short.  I initiated it.  I addressed an issue with someone that I felt needed addressing.  I wasn't there to cast judgement.  I wasn't there to point out wrong verses right....I was there to take a stand.  To be in the world but not of the world is way super hard.  I spoke in love and with the right heart.  ( I have spoken many times not in love and with a crummy heart...so this time it felt so good to do it with a clear heart!)  I am sure my face was beat red.  My voice was probably very cracky.  I am sure my face is turning red right now just thinking about it.  One of the people I spoke with couldn't even look at me and you know what?  I was totally ok with that.  At the end of the day I am really only having to answer to the one that really matters.

It felt really good.  It felt really good to take a stand...to know what the Bible says and to stand by it, but then to also offer grace and love at the same time.  To not judge, but to address something we disagree with.  The more I have thought about it, the more I am 100 % confident with my decision.

Then.....

The second conversation was initiated by someone else.  Someone that needed to address some issues with me.  You know what?  It was one of the best conversations I have had.  To be held accountable for things I have done wrong.  To clear the air on things and on misconceptions.  To pour my heart out.  To be able to speak freely and openly on issues and passions I struggle with.  To know that people viewed me a certain way and not in the way I want them to view me.  It was so hard and yet so easy at the same time.

Neither conversation I would have wanted to have months ago.  This time, both conversations I was at total peace with.

I don't think highly of myself.  I have not been shy about that.  A couple of weeks ago I was listening to the radio and they were talking about self esteem and God's creation.  God created you.  He created you in HIS image.  If you criticize yourself or speak poorly of yourself, you are telling God He didn't do a good job of creating you.  Wow.  I was blown away.

Since then I am choosing to see the beauty in how God created me.  To be confident.  To be bold.

Then....

This morning I attended my mom's group.  The speaker was a mom of 11.  She looked amazing.  Anyways, she spoke of judgement.  On how God sees us verses how we see ourselves.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  I wanted to ask the speaker to be my best friend.  She exuded love.  When she spoke you could hear and see love.  She was genuine.  I wish I would have bought her book.  It made me think a lot.  I am still thinking about it.  Isn't it so easy to judge other people?  We do it all day long.  Or at least I know I do it.  Instead of looking at people through the eyes of how God sees each of us, we look at each other and cast judgement.

I just wanna look more like love.  I wanna see people through the eye's of Jesus.  I wanna stand firm in what I believe and offer love and grace at the same time.  I want my children to look at me and see my unconditional love for them....All. The. Time.  It isn't gonna be easy, but I am sure gonna try!

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