Thursday, March 12, 2015

Today it happened...I don't know if I should be happy or sad.

So....

Last week we joined the Y in Oconomowoc.

Someone from our family has been there every singe day since we joined.

I am not sure why we didn't join sooner.

In the past week I have played racket ball, taken a zumba class, lifted weights, worked out with friends, swam, sat in the hot tub, sat in the sauna, and have ran for 10 minutes STRAIGHT.... AND....

I put Griffin and Lanie in Childcare.

This has NEVER EVER happened before in my life.  7 kids...almost 13 years of being a mom and I finally did it!!!

One thing about having a big family is that our little ones are ALWAYS doing something with a sibling.  All. The. Time.

Griffin won't go anywhere without a sister or a brother.  He won't go into class at church alone...he just cries and cries.  So I break down and send a sister in with him every single time.  Mainly because I am working and need to focus on doing my job so it is easier to send an older one in to stop the tears.  He did go to school one day a few weeks ago with Lanie....Lanie is his right hand sibling.  He does ok as long as he is with her.

So I went to the Y yesterday knowing I wanted to walk/run and thought maybe just maybe Griffin and Lanie would go into their childcare area.  I was hoping, I was praying!  I got them all signed in and ready to go and then we headed down to the teen room where drop off was and I left them there.  Just like that.  In one moment I had discovered a sense of freedom I guess you could say.  I knew they were safe, but they both gave me this look of sheer panic.  They had each other which I think kept the tears from coming.  When I went to pick them up they were playing nicely together.  Phew.  Did they actually make it without me?  You mean they didn't cry for me?  Not even a little bit?

We went for a treat afterwards (I may or may not have bribed them with an ice cream cone from McDonald's if they stayed and played) and continued on with our day.

I had to remind my self that it was really ok...I am doing something for me and trying to be a better mom and it was ok to leave them.

On to today.  I knew I needed to accomplish quite a bit today.  Our tonight is crazy so I knew I had to get my workout in early.  I dropped Lanie off at school and "talked" up the childcare to Griffin the whole way while driving.  He seemed hesitant, but no tears.  "You are going to have such a good time....You are such a big boy now....Mommy will come back in 1 hour."  We parked and walked hand in hand into the Y.  He wasn't flat out telling me "no" so I had just a glimmer of hope.

We checked in and got his number on and made our way into the gym where all of the other kids were.  He stopped dead in his track.  I handed him over to the Y lady and made my way out of the gym.  And then the tears came.  He just stood there, covering his eyes, and crying.  Ok, Susan, pull it together.

I headed up the stairs to the treadmills and peaked over the track into the gym and he was still standing there crying.  I started to head back down the stairs to get him.  I didn't need to leave him there...I could skip my workout.  Am I scarring him for life?  Who wants their little child to be the odd one out standing there just crying and whimpering?  At that moment I was torn.  What should I do.  I should just go get him.  No, he will be ok, they will come get you if he doesn't stop.

I made my way to the treadmills and they were all full.  Not one open one.  Surely this was a sign from above that I needed to go get Griffin and head out of the Y and go have some cookies.  I was mad...how could there not be one treadmill open?  Come on now....

So I decided to try some other elliptical kind of machine thing.  I fully intended for the childcare people to be coming up to get me anyways so I reluctantly got an and started....I hated that machine.  It wasn't comfortable for me and I wasn't feeling it.  I only made it for 8 minutes and got off.  I was positive Griffin needed me anyways so I had a good excuse to quit.

I made my way back over to the track and peeked over the railing and there I saw it.  Griffin was no longer crying.  He was playing bean bag toss and having fun.  Whhhhaaaattt?  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Just like that...in one moment, my baby turned into an independent "big boy."  I was so sad and so happy at the same time.  I stood there in awe...he did it.  He actually did it.

At that moment I had a choice.  Go and get him because I was sad he didn't need me anymore and hug him and spoil him OR finish what I was there to do.  By this time a few treadmills had opened up.  Sigh.  I guess I will keep going.  I got on and started.

The childcare people never came up to get me.  When I went to pick Griffin up he was playing with dinosaurs...happy as can be.  He did run up to me and gave me the biggest hug ever with the biggest smile.  I was SO proud of him.  All by himself, no siblings....just complete strangers to him.

Tomorrow might not go as well.  Tomorrow he might go in without crying.  I don't know how to process all of the emotions.  He really is growing up.  He is turing into a little boy.  My baby boy is no longer.  Man, if I am struggling this much with a drop off childcare situation how will I ever handle college and kids moving out?

For now I will snuggle with them a little more...I will give as many kisses as I can... I will pinch their baby buttcheeks as much as I can...I will show them I love them as much as I can.

Boo for growing up.

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