Monday, January 5, 2015

I used to be skinny....

If any of you know me pretty well, you know I have a low self-esteem.  I don't say that for pity or words of affirmation...I say it because I really truly don't think highly of myself.  Over the past year I have really been trying to work on it.  Trying to believe that I might have something to offer to the world.  Trying to believe that God has a purpose for me other than cooking dinner and cleaning the house constantly.  Trying to believe that I could possibly have an impact on someone at some point.

I was doing ok with my "trying to believe in myself year" and then this happened.  Brace yourself to be shocked.  I saw of picture of myself from my year of being "Skinny."
 I know...I know... I know what you are thinking.  Holy buckets...that was you, Susan?  Yup, it sure was.  Gavin was just shy of turing a year old and I joined Weight Watchers.  I didn't cheat one time for 9 months.  I never went over my points.  I became addicted to exercising.  I was running between 8 and 10 miles a day. I would exercise while my kids napped.  Then when they went to bed I would exercise some more.  Then I would wake up early and run.  It was all I thought about.  I lost 65 pounds in 9 months.  Man did I look good!  It was about September and I was shy of hitting my goal weight about 5 pounds.  Dan and I had gone to Door County for a weekend away and we exercised the entire time.  For sure I had lost the 5 pounds, right?  Nope, that week was the first week in 9 months that I had every gained weight.  At that very moment I got discouraged.  My body had hit a plateau and WW was really good at telling you what your "ideal" weight should be and gosh darn it, I needed to be that "ideal" weight.  I struggled for a bit and then found out I was pregnant with Lanie.  Within the first few days of learning #6 was on the way I started to have symptoms of a miscarriage.  It FREAKED me out.  Thankfully, the pregnancy was still viable, however, I had to pull back from exercising all together.  I thought running would make me loose the baby.  So I got my fat pants out and gained all my weight back during my pregnancy.  Every. Single. Pound.  #Embarrassing.
 I saw people's reactions.  People treated me differently.  You don't get treated the same when you are really don't.  I was okay, though, because I was having a baby and was SO excited about that.  6 months after Lanie was born we found out Griffin was on the way.  Shocker.  Fast forward to now.  Griffin just turned 3.  I don't have an excuse anymore.  Yes, having 7 kids has been my excuse, it is time to get honest here.

I won't do WW again.  Did it work, heck yeah it did.  I just need to try and be healthy.  Eat healthy and exercise.  Gradual transformation and health.  Not having my world revolve around when I am gonna get my work outs in each and every day.  Being ok to go the the cheesecake factory once in a while and indulging in their Factory Nachos.  (with no cheese and red sauce of course!)

It's hard for me to look at my skinny pictures.  I have 3 tubs full of my skinny clothes.  Maybe one day.

I refuse to have New Year's resolutions.  Cause I will break them.  Then I will feel like a failure in another aspect of my life.  There was no way I was gonna start on January 1st.  I have been thinking about trying to not be fat for 3 years.  It's time I actually start trying.

So today I am gonna start trying.  I got on my super cheap and old school treadmill and did some walking.  I tried jogging for one song, and let's be real....couldn't do it.  I couldn't get the treadmill plugged in so I almost gave up before I even started.  I pressed on.  I only did 2 miles.  I increased my speed as I went on and then did a cool down.  I would LOVE to get back to running again.  In time and in a healthy sustainable way.   I am maybe hoping to log another mile later tonight.  Maybe Dan and I will brave the cold and go for a walk together :)  Or maybe not since it will be so cold.  It's days like this when I wished we had a Y membership.
 I thought maybe posting about this would make me feel somewhat accountable to myself.  Like if you all know I am trying to be healthy it would somehow make me feel like I should keep pressing on.  I could go on for pages and pages about my struggle with this.  The feelings I have I failure.  The shame.  The embarrassment.  The guilt.  The feelings of feeling worthless.  But I am not going to do that.  No one else is living my life and the only one I am accountable to is God.  Here's to day 1 of trying.

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