Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Learning to Let Go...

This is what happens when mom is down and out for 2 weeks.  Laundry Galore.  I didn't include the table piled with laundry or the 3 loads waiting to be dried/washed.  Yikes.  I'm back and ready to get my folding on!

Ok, are you ready for some honesty now?  Brace yourself.

The past 2 weeks have been probably the lowest weeks of my life since my Dad left me.  I didn't have my focus where it should have been and let the devil get ahold of my every thought.

Do I want to tell you all my side of what happened?  Uh huh.  Do I want to tell you how unfair things are.  Yes I do.  Do I want to give you the story from start to finish?  Kinda.  However, I am not going to.  I have to let it go.  I have to move on.  I have to forgive and focus on the good in my life.  However, I do really want to share with you how I have changed and how God is working on me.

Before I do that I do feel like I have to give you a briefing.  Currently our family does not have any heat.  We have a boiler that is leaking carbon monoxide into our house so we are unable to turn it on anymore.  Our boiler is 60-70 years old and is not safe to use.  We have had 7 different HVAC companies in our house the past 2 weeks that have all said the same thing.  Each time I heard the news I felt the weight on my shoulders.  We are surviving with some extra space heaters people borrowed us and by wearing extra layers until the sun warms up the house.

That is a pin size peek into what the past 2 weeks have entailed here.  I am not here to cast blame or say what should have or what shouldn't have happened...that isn't gonna help.  How do I know that?  Believe me, I tried everything the past 2 weeks.  I tried blame.  I tried anger. I tried avoidance.  I tried pushing people who love me most away.  I tried ignoring the situation.  I tried yelling.  I tried threatening.  I lost all hope.

I wasn't very nice to be around.  I know I wasn't.  Ask Dan.  I took the weight of the world on and tried to figure it all out on my own.  Did I pray?  Yes, but not as much as I should have.  Did I give it to God?  I am gonna have to say no to that.  I didn't want to be home.  I just wanted to sleep.  I really tried to hold it all together and put the "front" on.  Those who know me best knew I wasn't ok.  I was having thoughts that even disturbed myself.  Maybe if I just drove off the side of the rode and injured myself or ended my life then Dan would have my life insurance money and be able to provide what we needed.  Yes, I sunk that low.  That is really really hard for me to admit, but I said I was gonna be honest.

With every day that was going by we would continue to get bad news.  Finally, last Thursday, after yet another phone call with bad news I lost it.  I broke down.  I was in the car by myself and sobbed as I sat in the church parking lot.  I tried to pull myself together and walk in and pretend I just didn't have a major breakdown....ha.  As soon as one of my friends asked me what was wrong I lost it...again.  So I tried to compose myself yet again.  I went to begin my work and then another friend asked if I was ok.  Guess what?  I lost it, again.  Crying like a big baby.  She stopped me and prayed with me right away.  We gave it over to God at that moment.  Duh.  Why didn't I think to do that?  Her prayer was short and sweet and just what I needed.

I wish I could tell you that everything was rainbows and lollipops after that, but it wasn't.  Why?  Because I didn't keep giving the situation over to God.  I didn't keep my thoughts clean.  I tried to fight back again.  I struggled all weekend to pull myself back together.

Monday was the final chapter for me.  Dan and I had to have a very hard conversation on Monday.  I couldn't even walk in the room.  (that is when I posted for prayers on Facebook cause, man, did I need them.)  I couldn't get ahold of my emotions and I was having a hard time breathing.  Once again,  a friend pulled me aside and prayed with me right away.  As she prayed my heart went back to a regular rhythm and I could actually breath.  I was able to walk into the room with "God Confidence." I went in expecting a miracle and it didn't happen.  Actually, it went far worse than I had imagined.

After that I knew I had to give it 100% completely over to God.  He knows my heart.  He knows our needs.  He WILL provide.

I couldn't hold on anymore.  I couldn't keep reliving the pain I felt.  I couldn't do anything to change the situation.  The only thing I could do was pray.  And pray some more.  And then pray a little bit more.

So that is where I am at.  I had a really good day today.  I didn't think much about the situation and really focused on the good God is doing right now in me.  I am learning to figure out my emotions and keep my thoughts in check.  I am trying to not worry about what people might think or might say.  I am trying to let it go.  (cue Frozen now).  I am resting in the fact that God knows all the details and that He is really the only one that needs to.

Today I will be thankful that I am here to tell you how I was/am feeling.  Today I will be thankful that Dan installed a carbon monoxide detector so we knew there was a problem.  Today I will be thankful for the God Fearing and loving women that God has placed in my life to keep me grounded and on the right path.  Today I will be thankful for the sunshine that warmed the house!  Today I will be thankful that Griffin only pooped once.  Today I will be thankful I folded half of the laundry in the house.  Today I will be thankful for the love and support I have felt.  Today I will be thankful for a husband that stuck with me the past two weeks when I was at my lowest.  Today I will be thankful for an organized craft room.  Today I will be thankful for each of you that lifted our family up in prayers when we needed them most.  Today I will be thankful for God, because without Him to cast my cares on I am just not sure where I would be.

And with that... I am going to go get a blanket and try to stay warm!  My prayer for you all is that you can focus on the good God is doing in your life today!  Let all the other stuff go!...and cue frozen again!

1 comment:

  1. Susan, thanks for you honesty and being so transparent. You may not know this but many of us have those same bad thoughts! I can't tell you how many times I thought Bryan would be better off if I wasn't here. The life insurance would pay our debt off and he would be in a great place...Then I realize that is the devil trying to get at me...I am praying for you and hoping you know how much I love you... I have a younger sister by only 11 months, we aren't that close. I would love to think of you as my little sis!